Nadine's Guide to Love
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This Book Is About You!
Susan
Age 40
With Love From,
All Your Gal-Pals
2003
Page 3
Hi, there, Susan. Your friends asked me to send this book to you in Dallas because it seems you need some expert advice on love. Well, this is your lucky day, honey, 'cause I'm going to share my wealth of information on LOVE with you!
Page 4
Susan, have you wondered if you're really in love? Do you feel weak all over? Is your heart fluttering? Are your palms sweaty? Well, you probably just have the flu or some congenital disease. Or... I guess it COULD be love, honey!
Page 5
I'm comparing love to a disease, Susan, 'cause either one can kill you! Did you ever notice that a wedding is just like a funeral? Only difference is... the man is STANDING UP at the wedding! Your friends told me you're having some symptoms lately, so you definitely can benefit from my vast experience on the subject of LOVE.
Page 6
First of all, Susan, you must remember to keep high standards. I'll never forget the man I dated who had his own name tattooed on his arm. The tattoo didn't really bother me, but... how do you misspell "Bob?"
Page 7
Before you make a commitment, be sure that your sweetheart is intelligent. A girl I know was so excited to meet a man who said he was majoring in communications technology; later, she found out that he was just learning to use a push-button phone!
Page 8
Susan, you're NEVER too old for love! I'm sure that your friends would agree with me on this. Why, my current lover still buys me flowers, holds my hand, and talks sweetly to me. He even still nibbles on my ear. (Course he has to get his teeth first...)
Page 9
Susan, if you do decide you're compatible and want to get married, Nadine's advice is to go ahead and take the plunge if you've got half a mind to do it. (Because that's just about what it takes: half a mind!)
Page 10
Susan, just make sure you both view commitment the same way. My first husband thought his wedding vows meant that he could have sixteen wives. Just because he said, "Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer!" After our divorce, he married my best friend. She had been married so many times that instead of playing "The Wedding March," they played "I Love a Parade!"
Page 11
Really, Susan, it wasn't all her fault. Why, one of her husbands woke her up one night, whispering sweet, sensuous things. Trouble was, he was on the PHONE!
Page 12
Honey, I learned a long time ago that nature's just not fair. Why is it that ladies reach their sexual peak right when gentlemen the same age are discovering the two R's: recliners and remotes?
Page 13
I tried to attract younger men... I bought the cutest little "peek-a-boo" blouse. It didn't work, though. First they'd peek, then they'd "Boo!"
Page 14
Susan, I used to know a guy whose girlfriend actually loved herself more than she did him. In their most intimate moments she used to call out her OWN name! (Can you just imagine THAT!)
Page 15
You have probably heard, Susan, that some people have a fear of intimacy. Not you! The rumor I heard was that you wanted to be intimate with EVERYONE! I know that's not true.
Page 16
Honey, we all know that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Maybe that's why I've had such success at Romance. I always feed my men from the four basic food groups: Canned, Frozen, Take-Out and Drive-Thru!
Page 17
You know, Susan, people should check out their betrothed on the subject of finances. My girlfriend, Babette, thinks that her "Net Worth" is the total of the charge limits on all of her credit cards!
Page 18
Honey, I really DO wish you lots of luck with your relationships. Susan, just remember this piece of advice from old Nadine: Don't wait so long for your Dream Boat to arrive that your dock collapses. (Gravity always wins, darlin'!) When all else fails, remember this:
'Nadine loves you, honey!'
